ALBUM: The Smoking Hearts – Pride of Nowhere
This first full release by the Smoking Hearts is bad, it is very bad, and it is quite possibly the worst music I have ever heard. It is so bad it even fails to be laughable. Its only possible use is as an aide to interrogators of terror suspects, but it is most likely forbidden by international law. In fact, if it lasted longer than 29 minutes, its composers would be placed on trial in The Hague for crimes against humanity.
Fortunately for overworked international law lawyers the chance of this band getting extensive radio play is equivalent to the Queen selling her self in an Amsterdam whorehouse for five Euros a go. Not to worry, the band themselves appear not to care what people think of them. At one point Lethal screams, “We’ll raise a toast to those that hate us most.” So it leaves this reviewer free to say, “I’d rather be buggered by a rusty chainsaw than listen to this record again.”
The ridiculously named boys, Lethal, Barker, Calvin, Matty and Nobba describe their work as The Ramones on heat playing Motorhead: an example that only works if you ignore the fact that both the Ramones and Motorhead at one point in their careers made records that you actually wanted to listen to. These bands also had enough wherewithals than to release anything resembling the depressingly titled ‘Thrash B4 Gash’. Moreover, neither band ever released anything that made you ashamed to have ears unlike the Smoking Hearts.
This album is so lobotomised, so puerile, so arrogant and so pointless, the fact that this CD exists in physical form debases all previous human achievement. The works of Socrates, Shakespeare, Da Vinci and Descartes all mean nothing when confronted with this brainless waste. If this is what the kids are into these days, it’s time to revive the policies of King Herod.
Release Date 08/03/2010
Reviewers Rating. Minus 6 out of 5