Situated in the Castle Hotel on the penultimate Wednesday of the Year of the Rat’s introductory month, I ask the above-titled entity questions largely relating to a subject that requires acute sensing to detect vibrations beyond rudiments such as speech and the smashing of porcelain. The transcription process starts…

Angus: What would be the worst substance you have spilt on your (musical) instrument?

Will: Turps… I was trying to clean some stickers off my bass and spilt turps into the pick-ups.

Angus: Turps?

Will: You know, white spirit?

George: Turpentine…

Angus: Oh! That doesn’t sound very good.

George: Err, beer? (Towards Will) Was it you who spelt beer over everyone’s gear in Glasgow?

Will: Yeah it was, I was pulling an amp out and the pint on top of it went over the electrics… everything was fine.

George: Was it? Somehow it was on 4 amps…

Will: Nothing was harmed…

Angus: That’s the important thing…

Alex: Well, pretty sure (name obscured) got buckfast over my kit…

(Collective Ughs)

Alex: I don’t think I’ve ever spilled any beer on any… bags…

George: Just booze and turps…

Angus: Hypothetically, which of your songs will be destined for Japanese-only release in the future?

Tinfoils: Hmmmmmm…

Will: Does it have to be written yet? White Snow on the Dewy Hill… 4th album, 7th track in.

George: I reckon 4 albums in we’ll only be big in Japan.

(Laughter provoked)

Alex: If we re-release Overdraft City in 5 years time… we could just change the lyrics.

George: Yeah, make it about Japan… Tokyo City? There we go, perfect.

(Laughter provoked)

Alex: You could write it about every major/capital city in the world. We’d be immediately big in all those areas.

George: Mogadishu?


Angus: Have you ever been tempted by synthesisers, trumpets or…?

George: Yeah, everyday.

Will: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah.

George: We don’t own any which is the only reason we haven’t tried any… (Towards Alex) we’re still thinking about drum pads for you…

Alex: I’m still thinking about, I’m always thinking about them… I need to sort it out and make some different sounds because that’s important for us. I guess if we had a massive budget to record we could add loads of synthesisers and trumpets…

Will: (Towards George) You play piano so I imagine you’d be quite good on synth…

George: That’s what I learned at first, and then learned guitar by working out what notes on piano were on guitar, so I’d quite like to have a keyboard…

Angus: If you could take a record out of its sleeve and fling it out of a window like a Frisbee, what would it be and why?

George: (Pause) I dunno…

Alex: Arianna Grande?

George: She’s alright, I like Arianna Grande.

Alex: I wouldn’t say that.

George: I think she’s sound, I think she’s a lovely person. I reckon we’d be friends (Laughs).

Alex: I don’t think I dislike music that strongly to want to smash it up.

George: But if you had to, if someone said ‘Chuck the record out the window or I’ll fucking deck you’… If Angus threatened you… does it have to be a record we own?

Angus: No, not at all.

William: Ah, Plain White T’s – Hey There Delilah, I’d chuck that one out the window.

Alex: Yep, that’ll do…

George: I don’t know… Tell you what, I’ve got Muse’s Origin of Symmetry, and it’s such shite quality I was tempted to chuck it out a window… It was one of the earliest records I brought because I used to absolutely love Muse… it was a CD rip…

William: CD onto Vinyl?

(Collective Ughs)

George: Yep… and the artwork was enlarged, it was wank.


Angus: Is there a piece of equipment… strings, pedals, cymbals etc, that you have come to regret purchasing?

Will: I own 3 ukuleles…

Angus: And you regret buying them?

Will: I didn’t buy them, I just came to accrue them… I regret having 3 ukuleles.

Alex: Can you play them?

Will: I can play a bit… if you two want a ukulele?

George: Alright then, one each

(Collective laughter)

Alex: I brought a heavy-metal pinner cymbal, used it at about 2 gigs… it does sound massive but I don’t think it’s right for our sound…

(Collective laughter)

Alex: I wouldn’t say I regret it because it is a beautiful cymbal… but there is no reason why I should have it.

Angus: Was it for that RNCM tour in China?

Alex: I did use it there but I didn’t buy it for that reason, I thought it would sound great if I just used it once on stage, it’s so unnecessary (laughs).

Angus: (Towards George) And you?

George: I’ve never really bought any equipment (Laughs). I bought one amp and one… well I’ve not even bought the guitar, still paying it back… That fucking cable!

Will: Oh yeah the cable from Dawsons.

George: We were playing a gig, just a little thing… we’d had quite a bit of time off and didn’t have a working cable so we figured we could borrow one, although the venue didn’t have one. So I went down to Dawsons, bought a cable and brought it back, plugged it in and it didn’t fucking work! So I had to use a little one that the sound engineer had with an adapter, like an auxiliary cable… after that I took it back, and Dawsons was shut…

Alex: Have you ever refunded it?

George: I got it fixed.

Angus: Could you name a public figure that you wouldn’t want as an uncle?

Will: Uncle?

Angus: Yeah.

George: Prince Andrew

(Collective laughter)

Will: Solid shout… err Boris Johnson? Obviously one… Trump?

George: Any nonce

Alex: I feel like having someone like Pete Doherty…

George and Will: (Disappointed tone) What?

Alex: It would be great for so many reasons but it would also be terrifying…

Angus: So you wouldn’t want him as an uncle?

Alex: No, I don’t think I would…

George: I’d have him as an uncle.

Will: I would.

(Collective laughter)

George: I think he’s a very nice man.


Angus: What was the last thing you ate and why?

George: Spaghetti, for sustenance…

Alex: Just been to the cinema, I had the strawberry laces from the pick and mix…

George: They have gelatine in them don’t they?

Alex: No, I got them because they are vegan.

(Collective huhs)

Angus: (Towards Will) And you?

Will: Nandos, I went with my girlfriend… it was nice.

Angus: It’s a versatile restaurant, gets a bad rep.

Will: I had a £20 free voucher, so why not use it?

(Collective approval)

Angus: Can each of you share a strange factoid about each other (Will about George, George about Alex, Alex about Will)?

Will: I’ll have to think about that…

George: Errr…

Alex: Is there anything I know that’s weird…

George: I’ve got one!

Angus: Go on…

George: He used to have a really big afro.

(Collective laughter)

Alex: It’s true…

George: He had it out to here (estimate: half a foot)…

Alex: I had it for about 3 or 4 years.

Will: (Towards George) I don’t know anything weird about you… you’re from Askern?

George: I got 4 bollocks (Laughs).

Will: He eats his toenails. (Presumed sarcasm)

George: I use clippers…

Angus: What you describe as your worse gig? Doesn’t have to be a joint consensus…

Will: Railway?

George: It was quite busy though…

Alex: We had technical issues, had a bit of an argument… me and Will kicked off at each other (Laughs).

Angus: The Railway East Didsbury?

(Collective yeahs)

George: At the time it was earth shatteringly bad, but it’s all fine now.

Alex: If you think about it for us, it was one of our very first gigs since playing in Stockport (live debut). We weren’t very good, but they were also great as we started doing stuff as a band, so I wouldn’t say they were bad.

Angus: A fairly universal situation.

Alex: Yeah exactly.

George: No properly disastrous ones…

Will: Nobody’s ever left…

George: No wait, they have! Remember when we played the Snug (Coffee House)? It was a sold out show in a really small room so it looked obvious when people had left, although we won them back round in the end.

Alex: It’s when we start to branch out, and think ‘ah yeah, let’s go to Portsmouth’, and no one will come since no one knows us in the south, but I suppose we will just have to go through that, some mad journey…

Angus: What was it like playing in Northwich?

Will: Excellent.

George: Excellent.

Alex: The Salty Dog is a great venue.

Will: Hot stage though, I remember being very, very sweaty.

Angus: Any tourism advice for the town?

Alex: Ah, we barely saw it.

Will: Walked in, walked out…

Alex: It wasn’t even that, we ran to the station. It’s about a 15 minute walk but with our amps. Had to get the last train… We played with Cold Water Swimmers and Pagans S.O.H, they’re great.

George: We’re playing with them (Pagans) again…

Alex: Yeah our next gig, 8th Feb, Night and Day. Gonna be great!

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Angus Rolland

Recent career decisions have compelled me into the journalistic... thing; I could list my literary influences or even debate which 3rd rate beverage has the best economic value per litre (But I won’t). Oh, in addition, I write reviews for the Independents Network.